One year ago today, with exactly zero sleep and a body flooded with blinding anxiety, I stood up in front of a group of people gathered for the first Women Who Cowork retreat, in Austin, Texas.
I was there to teach a workshop on using content to market a coworking space, and I was not feeling good about it.
The night before was lovely. I ate veggie food at a famous Austin barbeque joint with a circle of new and old coworking friends, then headed up to the hills and spent the next several hours under the Texas stars with a bunch of dogs, snuggled up in a handmade quilt, swapping stories with my dear friends Daryn and Amy.
When I went to bed, the anxiety started:
What if something goes wrong tomorrow?
What if I forget what I’m talking about?
What if I don’t know what I’m talking about?
Oh, my God, what if I actually have no clue what I’m doing and am a complete hack?
What if this whole thing is bullshit?
What am I even doing here?
Why did I put myself in this situation?
Why am I even trying to do anything?
Who am I to step out into the world and try to do something?
Why did I ever leave my record store job?
I wonder if they’ll take me back?
I can’t do this.
I’m going to tell them I’m sick.
I’m going to see what flights are available and just leave.
I’m going to walk away from this whole thing.
I don’t want to do anything.
I can’t do anything.
I’m completely fucked.
I did this all. night. long.
Around 4am, I gave up on the idea that I was going to get any sleep, and I got up.
If you’ve experienced anxiety, this scenario is probably not foreign to you.
On the ride back into Austin, I mentally went over my workshop. When we arrived at Soma Vida, the space we were retreating in, my friend Bo suggested that we go into one of the rooms and do some energy work. I wholeheartedly agreed and will forever be grateful to Bo for extending that kindness to me.
On that therapy room floor, Bo and I had a conversation with my out-of-control solar plexus. We thanked it for watching out for me. We assured it that, yes, it was risky and scary to put ourselves out there, but that our best life was on the other side of the fear.
We went upstairs and joined the morning session of the retreat.
My workshop went off without a hitch.
Once I started talking about content, the floodgates opened and a ton of information (probably more than the women gathered wanted to know) and strategies poured out of me. People scribbled furiously in their notebooks, bombarded me with questions, and added their own insights and feedback for the other participants.
It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty good.
I had a few minutes to spare at the end, so I decided to share what was really going on.
I told the women about my sleepless night and my imposter syndrome flare-up. My intention was just to let them know that, when they feel like they’re not good enough to be doing what they’re doing, that they are—and that they’re not alone.
What happened next is one of my favorite coworking moments of all time. My friend Iris got up and gave me a hug; then Angel joined in; then Shelley; then Laura. It resulted in the above photo.
What happened after the hug transformed how I think about my life and work.
People wanted to talk with me about feeling like an imposter; about feeling like they didn’t have what it takes; about being brave enough to put themselves out into the world; about trusting themselves and the moment.
No one wanted to talk with me about content marketing.
They wanted to get real.
It was a profound lesson.
Regardless of your title or position, know that below what you do is who you are. That’s what people connect with.
It’s not your fabulousness, or career success, or wealth, or professional network.
It’s you.
Don’t be afraid to be real.
That’s where the good stuff is.
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Being real is where it’s at. Thank you for sharing!
My pleasure. Thanks for taking the time to read, Jana!
Love this, Cat. Thanks so much for sharing! You are so valuable and important to this community. X
Thanks so much for reading, and for your kind words, Jessica!! Hope to see you soon! Denver??
It’s always amazing to find that the weakness you perceive in yourself is the strength someone else needs.
What I mean is, I’m amazed when I duscover that the thing I’m afraid
Of sharing is the very thing someone else will grow from.
Sending love and gratitude for the shared growth that came from that transformational day.
❤️
Bo! My friend. More and more, I find that what connects us, and makes us strong, are our vulnerabilities. When we step through our fear and let our true selves be seen, all kinds of magical things happen. <3
I love this story so much. Yes! I’ve been there in that night of anxiety. It’s always the darkest hour that brings the worse self-doubt. I am so amazed and proud of my friend Cat and how much you’ve stepped into your power and full self this past year. I can’t wait to see what you are doing in 12 months. Right now you’re pretty damn awesome.
Iris! Thank you, and thanks for inviting me to present at that WWCo retreat, which proved to be such a turning point in my work/life. Yep, those dark nights can be super challenging, right? Thanks for your kind words. I’m curious what I’ll be doing in 12 months, as well! 🙂 <3
THANK YOU CAT!!
Thanks for reading, Julie! 🙂
Oh my God! Bingo! Can you see me hitting the tip of my nose with my finger as though I am giving myself and the world a clue in charades? (which is an interesting analogy since the dictionary says this about “charade” – an absurd pretense intended to create a pleasant or respectable appearance – hahahahaha!)
Your story is really a universal one for most of us who stand in front of groups and have to present any content. I have been a teacher for more than 30 years. I believe I spent a majority of my career thinking I was an imposter and soon they (THE THEY! who the fuck are “they”?????) would find out.
I still fall into this occasionally, especially because I now work outside of a college situation and my clients pay me directly to teach them/to present to them and somehow this amount of monetary exchange makes me even more mentally and emotionally challenged to be PERFECT (perfucked, is how I like to think about this annoying issue I have with perfection).
I believe. I truly believe. I absolutely 100% truly believe that what people most want from us is ourselves. Who we are. Yes, when I am presenting, I should have some experience, prepare a bit (or more if I am buying into “perfucked”), write up notes when necessary, check it out, practice it, and in my case be a bit educated about the evidence-based science I am using to back up my teaching. However, people come to me as a teacher because somehow they CONNECT to me or want to connect to me.
I believe this is what you found in this wonderful opportunity for self growth 12 months ago.
You are amazing and I learn so much from you all the time. For instance, did you know I had never heard of “imposter syndrome”, although I was President of that club for many years, until I met you?
Love you.
OK, sorry I wrote a blog post. 🙂
Hi Laurie!
OMG, what an amazing post. LOL.
That “absurd pretense intended to create a pleasant or respectable appearance” definition is so good. What a spot-on string of words for some of this work, eh?
Thanks for the reminder that, even after 30 years, the “they” thing, and the perfucktion thing can still creep up. Apparently we never graduate. 😉
I love this so much: “I believe. I truly believe. I absolutely 100% truly believe that what people most want from us is ourselves. Who we are.” Yes, that’s what I’m learning. It’s easy to see and appreciate in other people, but it can be so challenging to relax into ourselves. BUT, every time I do, new dimensions of life and connection open up.
So grateful for you and your thoughtful, loving presence in my life.
xo
Cat